These days I often find myself drifting further away from the world of art as I transition into adulthood, ironically so as I went to college to drive my relationship with art to a deeper realm. In high school, my first instinct was to look into illustration or animation, but more often than not, I felt as though I was selling myself for something that wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t that I lost interest in the field or that I gained a distaste for it; I still have a strong appreciation for such things at the end of the day. Regardless, when I devote more time to creating work for myself, it becomes more than a pastime or a profound passion. The connection between me and the canvas becomes a form of carnal self-care.
I’ve always found that the importance of a strong education should be met with indignant appeasement. Measuring my self-worth to how high a number would reach on a report card or gaining the compassion of my pedagogues. Obviously, this account isn’t true, but I’ve been stuck in a rut for so long given that the results proved otherwise. When I had high grades, I ran into less trouble with my parents and quickly gained respect from my teachers and pensioner family members. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that I’ve gone through much self-harm to maintain this status. However, since I was a child, it was much easier for me to preserve an enthusiastic temperament for what art meant to me. My mother encouraged my interest in the arts, but back then it was only a hobby to her. Quickly I learned what it meant to combine pressure of high expectancy from my peers and my relationship with art. At the time, it was a small seed that was planted, but similar to all things on this Earth, it would eventually grow.
I suffer from several mental disorders. One could possibly conclude that it stemmed from a time earlier in my life. But unrelated to that, my mental health has been slowly deteriorating my brain from functioning properly. Because of this, I cannot take quizzes or tests the same way I could when I was younger. At times, it takes many weeks for me to successfully retain simple information or subjects that come easier to healthier minds. I am greatly envious of this for as I mentioned beforehand, I find the importance of education and high-grades a vital factor in my life. I am often found studying, but this system of self-measurement is not an option for me anymore. However, there has been one factor that has been constant. Art has become a personification of itself and I felt that my commitment to our relationship has given me the greatest pleasures any other failed to offer. I was blind to it before, but wherever life takes me I will always remain loyal to the canvas. I cannot predict the future, but my goals are resolute.
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